The NFL Draft as told by Its Always Sunny Quotes
Ever since the Kansas City Chiefs hoisted the Lombardi people’s news feeds have been flooded with scouting reports on every potential draft prospect and an unnecessary amount of mock drafts. Insiders have had their ear to the ground 24/7, trying to find all the scoops about how the GM of your favorite team is going to galaxy-brain their first pick because they had too much time to kill until draft day. All those months of anticipation finally came to an end once the Chicago Bears became officially “on the clock” and night one of the 2024 NFL draft began. After the dust settled this past weekend in Detroit, 257 collegiate players realized their childhood dreams when their name was called and they officially made it to the National Football League, even if just for a moment.
These young athletes, or senior citizens in the case of any remaining six-year seniors, are an example of how hard work and determination can lead to people reaching even the loftiest of goals. It’s in the same vein of how teams’ front offices have spent many sleepless nights away from their families to barter for trades and make sure they will make the best pick to better their team. So much work, by so many talented people, went into the selections made last weekend during the spectacle that has become the NFL draft.
What can you compare that to?
How about a show featuring a group of terrible people with no work ethic? The group of people I’m referring to are Mac, Dennis, Charlie, Sweet Dee, and Frank from the hit show Always Sunny In Philadelphia. The comp isn’t as far off as one might think. You have Frank Reynolds, a man who’s rich, weird, and enjoys his fair share of substances. He’s the Jim Irsay of the show. How About Dennis Reynolds? He’s a character that is narcissistic and thinks he’s way smarter than he is. That sounds a lot like a former Green Bay Packers QB with one non-surgically repaired Achilles. (Didn’t want to blatantly say Aaron Rodgers and run the risk of him making baseless, abhorrent accusations about me on live TV.)
The connections that mirror the NFL to Always Sunny are listless. That is why we here at Talent Alone have decided to bring back one of our favorite gimmicks we’ve used in the past. The one where we use references from a popular and successful IP to get more readers. This time, we’re delivering to you night one of the NFL draft as told by quotes from Always Sunny in Philadelphia.
The NFL Draft
The Atlanta Falcons
“I Just Wanna Tell You All, Go Fuck Yourselves” – Charlie Kelly
Terry Fontenot and the Dirty Birds went into the draft giving zero f*cks what other people thought. They caused the first shock waves of the draft when they took Washington QB Michael Penix with the eighth overall pick. It was a puzzling reach considering they could’ve traded back, picked up more draft capital, and still drafted Penix. Instead, they gave the middle finger to their new starting QB Kirk Cousins who, along with his agent, was left in the dark that this was coming. Even better, it appears Fontenot may have left Falcons owner Arthur Blank out of the loop. Could be viewed as an FU to your boss when you overdrafted a QB roughly a month after he wrote a check to give Cousins $100 Million in guaranteed money. Then in the second round, just for fun, Atlanta told all draft analysts to take their opinions and shove ’em. Sitting with the third pick on day two, they selected Clemson DT Ruke Orhorhoro despite Illinois’ Jer’Zhan Newton and Texas’ T’Vondre Sweat remaining on the board. Following that, my sources tell me the entire Falcons scouting department began spitting at Mel Kiper.
-Mike Regan
The Denver Broncos
The Broncos’ top brass made a tough decision and bit the bullett to move a bad locker room guy (and a bad QB) in Russell Wilson out of the building for nothing. Their next move, get notable Milf Hunter, Zach Wilson into the facility (for almost nothing) as a potential change of scenery improvement project. However, Denver wasn’t done there, at #12 they drafted Oregon QB Bo Nix (and on day three, traded a 5th and 6th to Seattle to get Nix’s teammate Troy Franklin). Now their QB room went from Jarrett Stidham and Ben DiNucci to the quadfecta of perfection you can find at Mile High this fall. There’s just no system in place to get Denver a competent QB.
–Adam Hess
The San Francisco 49ers
“Because of the implication…” – Dennis Reynolds
With the 31st pick in the first round, the 49ers selected Florida Gator wide receiver Ricky Pearsall. Why would they do that? *cue Windhorst fingers* Going into the draft there were a plethora of rumors involving the 49ers and whether or not a big trade was on the horizon. The team finds themselves stuck between one high-paid receiver, Deebo Samuel, and another expecting to get the bag soon in Brandon Aiyuk. While Niners GM John Lynch claimed to have not entertained any offers on his wideout duo, the team’s first-round selection tells a different story. Pearsall fits very well into Kyle Shanahan’s offense while possessing a similar size and skill set to that of Deebo. This leaves us with the implication that trade talks between San Fran and the other 31 NFL teams aren’t over just yet.
-Mike Regan
The Minnesota Vikings
What if I told you, you could add an average measurable white QB, with some upside, that played his best football in a system that eased the workload for him? What if he played college ball in the great state of Michigan? What if both had a churchy vibe along with some, uh, quirks that have worked their way into the football media?
Am I talking about Kirk Cousins or JJ McCarthy? That’s really the question.
I’ll give Minnesota credit where credit is due, they significantly decreased the price that Kirk required by dropping down to the 21-year-old, but after trading up (perhaps due to football genius Sean Payton) one spot, the future of Kwesi Adofo-Mensah is now inextricably tied to Kirk Cousins-lite.
-Adam Hess
The Tennessee Titans
“I’m cultivating mass.” – Mac
Philosophies on how to build a winning football team have continually changed throughout time. However, two things remain the same are, size matters, and the game is won in the trenches. The Titans kept those things in mind as they beefed up in the draft. They added 6’6” 342 lbs of mass in the first round when they selected Crimson Tide OT JC Latham. Then they snagged another unit in the second round by taking Texas DT T’Vondre Sweat who stands 6’5” and weighs in at 366 lbs. Heck, the cultivation even continued all the way to the final round where they took the 6’4” 231lb big boy safety James Williams out of Miami.
-Mike Regan
The Indianapolis Colts
The Colts grabbed a guy, in Laiatu Latu, that fell due to medically retiring from the sport due to a neck injury, a guy in Adonai Mitchell who…. well we don’t really know what the off-field issues are but it caused him to fall out of the first round, and another guy with some injury history, Jaylin Simpson. On top of that, the middle round picks of Matt Goncalves, Tanor Bortolini, and Anthony Gould all we’re some range of slight to significant reaches.
Chris Ballard was not happy with what “anonymous sources” had to say about Adonai Mitchell and he let them know about it after the draft.
-Adam Hess
The Kansas City Chiefs
“I dropped my Monster Condum, that I use for my Magnum Dong.” – Frank Reynolds
This year’s wide receiver class was stacked. Even after Marvin Harrison Jr, Rome Odunze, Malik Nabers, and Brian Thomas Jr.’s names were called, there was still a plethora of talent to choose from. Whichever wide-out wanted to be the next one off the board needed to do something really impressive. Something that would truly demonstrate their value to an NFL franchise. Texas Longhorn receiver Xavier Worthy did just that. Worthy walked into the combine this past March and just happened to drop a monster forty time of 4.21 seconds. Thus demonstrating to the Chiefs, who traded up to select the 21-year-old speedster, that he could be their next Tyreke Hill. As a player…not as a human being.
-Mike Regan
The Las Vegas Raiders
“Feel that stride, so fluid and fast” – Dennis Reynolds
Mark Davis does it again. The team that historically gets enamored with Combine stands out and grabs a couple here (sort of). Brock Bowers in the first (who didn’t test but has crazy game speed). Decamerion Richardson, sporting a 4.34 40, in the 4th. Jackson Powers-Johnson with 30(!) reps on the bench. It doesn’t matter if these boys can or can’t play because you walk into the gym on Tuesday with those three, you’ve already won the week.
You just know they were cursing the sky when Carolina traded up to take Xavier Legette.
The Carolina Panthers
“Idiots! Savages! Idiots! Idiots!” – Dennis Reynolds
Note to bottom-feeding NFL teams:
You are in the situation you are in because you’ve made bad decisions.
Stop making trades on draft day.
Carolina should have had the first overall pick had they not gotten burned by Ryan Poles the year prior. Instead, they gave up a 5th-round pick so they could make a massive jump up from pick 33 to 32. With the final pick of round one, they drafted wide-out Xavier Lagette.
Mind you, this is the same team that drafted Jonathan Mingo with the 7th pick in the second round last year and traded for Steelers wideout Diontae Johnson this off-season. Had the Panthers just stayed at 33 they could’ve drafted one of the three first-round graded defensive backs that were still available. In my humble opinion, Kool-Aid McKinstry, Cooper Dejean, or Kamari Lasister have better potential as a long-term option at corner than Dane Jackson. I can’t confirm or deny this, but I’m almost positive the team signed Dane Jackson because his name sounds similar to Donte Jackson. The cornerback they traded away when they acquired Diontae Johnson!
The team’s next pick should’ve been #39 in the early second round. GM Dan Morgan scoffed at such a pick. So they traded back with the Rams to #52. Turns out that was too far back. Shortly after they popped a u-ey and traded back up to #46. There they selected RB Johnathan Brooks who had his final year as a Longhorn cut short by a torn ACL.
Not only could they have gotten any of the defensive backs I just mentioned at that spot, but they could’ve taken Bama edge rusher Chris Braswell. He would’ve been a great replacement to fill the pass-rushing void created when they traded Brian Burns to the Giants, which is how they ended up with the 39th overall pick in the first place! Here’s the icing on top though. Available to them at that spot would’ve been the second-best center in the draft Jackson Powers Johnson out of Oregon.
Just as a reminder the team’s current plan at the position is to move guard Austin Corbett over to center. Corbett has started 62 games in his six year career and not a single one of them were at center.
It gets better when circling back to the 5th round pick they threw away to move up one sport on day one. Buffalo used that pick to select C Sedrick Van Pran-Granger. The former Bulldog would’ve at least given Carolina the option to have a player snapping the ball who actually plays the goddamn position!
Even if you ignore the center aspect, if they could’ve just stopped themselves and stayed at 56 after the initial trade back, they could’ve taken Notre Dame OT Blake Fisher. All of those linemen have the potential to be a boost to what was one of if not the, worst offensive lines in the NFL last year. This may be hyperbole, but not by much, cardboard cutouts of the 2022 Eagles offensive line would’ve blocked better than the Panthers line did last season. At Least seeing a picture of Jason Kelce or Lane Johson would strike a small semblance of fear into opposing defenders.
“Mr. Tepper! Mr. Tepper! Mike Regan from Talent Alone. Congratulations on getting a couple of shiny new skill position players. A couple of quick questions. Will Bryce Young have time to get the ball to Lagette while running for fear of his 5’10” 204 lb body getting pancaked into the dirt? Also, follow-up question. How effective do you think Johnathan Brooks will be when running into a wall of opposing defenders and or the asses of his own linemen?”
-Mike Regan
The Washington Commanders
“Don’t try and stop me.” – Frank Reynolds
Probably should click the link on this one.
Let’s recap the Commanders’ picks in the top 100:
- #2 Jayden Daniels – QB
- #36 Jer’Zahn Newton – DT
- #50 Trade Back: Mike Sainristil – CB
- #53 Ben Sinnott – TE
- #67 Brandon Coleman – OL
- #100 Christian McCaffery’s Brother who played at Rice – WR
Glass half full, Jer’Zahn (or I guess we’re calling him ‘Johnny’?) Newton is an impact DT, Sainristil is a very good player at a position of need (Cornerback), and Brandon Coleman is a tackle which is a huge need for the Commies.
Glass half empty, Jayden Daniels played five seasons in college and didn’t break out until his fifth year when he was 23, with a top-10 pick at WR (Malik Nabors), another round-one pick at WR (Brian Thomas Jr.), and an Offensive Tackle that might go #1 next year (Will Campbell). On top of that, at 6’4” 210 lbs, he does not have a body type capable of taking big hits, which was a staple of his game in college. Maybe I’m overreacting. I loudly wanted Drake Maye in Washington prior to the draft and I’m old enough to remember how it went with RGIII in Washington, but I think the Front Office fell victim to recency bias and the idea of linear development. Let’s hope they’re right and I’m not.
Outside of that, the Johnny Newton pick in the 2nd was doubling down on one of the few positions of strength on the roster and taking Luke McCaffery at #100 are both hard to defend but not as hard as waiting until their fifth pick to take an O-Lineman (after taking a Tight End). I know teams have their big boards and they stick to them but here is a list of tackles taken between #36 (Johnny Newton) and #67 (Brandon Coleman): Patrick Paul, Blake Fisher, Roger Rosengarten, and Kingsley Suamataia.
The Commanders took weird, off balance, and risky swings at two premium positions and if it doesn’t work out, Adam Peters, Dan Quinn and Co. might be a few years away from being crab people.
-Adam Hess
The Buffalo Bills
“Terrorists Rule!” – Rickety Cricket
Google it. I refuse to let this hilarious story die. Get wrecked McDermott. Shout out to Bills GM Brandon Beane for that Keon Coleman pick tho.
-Mike Regan
